they came back!!!!!!!!!!!!

The guys with the downloading problem came back for me after an hour. :):):):)

Still: no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Geez: amI choosy?? :) I know I may project my interest and willingness to find someone to love and be loved by, but there are limits, I'm sorry!!!!!! :):):)

need a friend - or a nice word!!

I am desperate.

I am desperate becasue I have received two disappointing notes from two people I thought of as close to me.
I am desperate because I only seem to have disappointing experiences since I came back, and I cannot think positively about the things to come after I really have to come back.

I've changed.

First people took a note of my hair. Wow, it's got long. Well, yeah, that's what happens when a person doesn't have a haircut in a couple of months. But, now at least, some of them can be happy - if I am not. They have always told me that I'd look a lot better with long hair - there you go!! I still have the same thoguhts about this: one time I like it, at some other time I could kill for a pair of scissors (well, okay, probably not for scissors but for a hairdresser).
Especially because yersterday, thru my journey to the past, I saw a footage of me from, wait, 5 years ago and I just loved my hair back then. It was so comfortable that way and, I think, it look good. So, how many more days do I have to have that hair-cut?? :)

second thing: I am told to be more direct (not that I would have had problems in this respect before). no sensitivity!!!! :) or sensibility???

I will have a tough talk with someone today
two meetings with my friends tomorrow
a phone call to be made the day after tomorrow
a travel to my birth-town next week
a probable stay-over at an old-odl friend's house (oh, the spaghetti!!)
a meeting with an artist!!! :), who will tease me with my directing!! :)

btw, I have just been interrupted by two very miserable guys at the computer center. They wanted to download something, but they didn't have the time to register, so they asked me if they could use the service. I said okay - in the meanwhile I wanted to make some calls, but they were soooooooo... though one said that he was registered before, he didn't know how t download and save the documents. Anyhow, in the end, they wanted to invite me for something for my kindness! did I go????
no!!!!!!! :)
I know, I know, this is like the train/tram guy, but come on!

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

a week after -- follow up and I am negative!!!! :):)

I have already relaized that I was not less pessimistic or negative or whatever thatn the saved post.

BTW, talking about negative-ness. The other day, when we were out to do the pre-holiday shopping we were stopped by a man in the parking lot. he was one of those "please, give some money, we are cvollecting for the poor" guys, who hang out around the malls and the subway. there were tons of reports about them on TV leeting pppl know that they're fake and they can never provide an evidence for their charities. Anyways, he was coming up to us, and for I never favor these things, I immeadiately said him good-bye. He goes: I am not tlaking to to you! but the boss (a.k.a. my mum) and then he continues: I(!) don' talk to negative people.
I left him there to take back the basket. laterr my mum said that he left ehr there saying: he leaves before he becomes negative, too.
I would say that the appearent misunderstanding between us is most probably due to the fact that, if, as he said, we are negative, he was negative too, for the same poles thrust each other, right??

anyways:
I was reading some stuff by some people important to me and it made me think of my feelings and enthusiams towards some other things in life (original, huh??!!). friends, crushes --generally speaking!!-- I wish it would be easier sometimes. or that I could be different. -- no, I don't want to be different. :)
It'll be very difficult even for e to understand the importance of this part in my blog once I re-read it, but let the keyword be: quizzes.

a week after

I have a saved message among the posts - it just happens to be so damn pessimistic that I have decided to make up a new one.

These last couple of days were - Olga you would love it again - interesting. I felt good and bad at the same time.
I like the break, but, and I might have already said this before, I am very much conscious of going back. And I know that my environment knows this too.

ACTING IS NOT PRETENDING AND PRETENDING IS NOT ACTING.

I miss a lot of things. I miss my routine, the move and the energy. It's great that I finally get to have some rest but I just feel weird.
I miss talking. my mum works a lot and I cannot find the mutual accords with my friends. well, at least with the ones I have met since I am home. Which is not many in numbers, I know - but those I met were mostly mere diappointment. or was I diappointing???

I still wonder whether my idea of coming hoem in kinda incognito was a good idea. I got some calls from friends on Christmas day. I had to explain what the heck I was doing here!! As if I had responsibilities towards them. My grandparents did not even know about it.
Gabor called on Saturday, too - he was wondering why I did not give him a call earlier! :) It was funny. I told him I was coming, I just wanted to wait till the holiday are over and till the time I surely know when I'm going "home", so that I can meet him, too.
Anyways, it was nice of them.

How long can jet lag last?? well, the last time I got back from the STates in early August I was glad for the school coming in September so that I could get back to the rhythm, but now: I know that most probably I try to avoid something by not sleeping. Or??????

I am to meet some other people who has been important in my life. Huh!! :):)

home

there is too much Hungarian going around me, so------------------------------------

Well, well, well -- I imagined it to be a bit different. Though I knew I was gonna find some very interesting and bothering things when I come back, I would have really liked not to start it well before I had actually landed! Hungarians can be so annoying -- or maybe it1s becasue I caozld understand every little things they were saying and complaning about on the palne. Or it may haev been becasue of that girl - acting sooooooo annoying and posing all the time. I was so pproud of myself not being annoyed (okay, except for HIM) in the last couple of months and there it come! :)

okay, maybe a more than 20-hour traveling didn't help me to see it differently either!

I got seated with a guy on the shuttle to the airport. We got to talk about a lot of things -- well, I was a talker again, and he wanted me to confess to him that I, the observer, checked him out before he got on the bus. Nice effort, but not true! I confessed him, though, something else -- me and my realtion to relatioships --, which, even though we sort of agreed on "we'll see", will for ever prevent a WE.
It's also interesting how, for many people, personal space means nothing. It is true that we were aitting close to each otehr given the circumstances on the shuttle, but ...... ah, the poiting and poking to reassure what you're saying is too much, isn't it?
poor fellow, now it seems as if I hadn't enjoyed talking with him -- it's not true. he was attractive, and it wasgood to talk to him, but .....
I don't know. I almost always get into situations like this - almost always when I am traveling somewhere. I am just nice and open adn ready to spend the hours of traveling with a good talk rather than in silence, and I am almost always misinterpreted. Someone could please tell me why???

The most important thing: evethough I am already waiting for going back and I am very much excited about the next semester and the possibilitites after, it was worth coming back only for my mum's smile at the airport!!!!!! I kept asking her before, wehther she'd liked me to come home or she would have been fine with me staying and traveling during the break. I knew the answer, but now she alsot told me that eventually she would have asked me to come.
My dad has already gone back to his old self -- where are those weekly calls to Trinity??? He knows I am back, and does he give a damn??? I guess, i would like to beleive that it means nothing to me, but it's not true. Otherwise, I would not mention it, right??!!

I have met some friends already. Well -- nice and, sorry for this, same. I was not really looking for many of it, and I already know why. details?? maybe next time.

feel like...

I feel like contributing to this site again. After so many years of E., sometimes it's easier for me to explain whta's going on wiht me in E. I know, I know - sometimes. :)

Right now - instead of devoting time to the wonderful tradition of sleeping, or the less wonderful but more practical and, well, obligatory practice of essay writing, I am - with one eye, though, watching Almodovar's Bad Education! well, I thought it would not be an easy ride, but it's tough, dude!! Whenever I happen to watch male sexuality in movies, I got this strange kind of feeling. it's not disgust or anything like that - it's just a lot more weird for me than to watch women together. in general, adn without any prejudices, I am more comfortable with heterosexuality on the screen, too -- and when we get to the pedofilic (??) parts. I freak out.
Like right now!

but, two things are for sure. first is that I like Almodovar, though Stiletto (or whatever the title was in E.), All about my mother, and two other earlier ones (no titles now) are my favorites.
second, Gael Garcia Bernal is beautiful - as a woman too!!!!! :) or even more!! :):) Even when he was the very controversial priest in the Crime of Father Amaro (which I think is a very interesting movie). he has something in his eyes!!!!

talking about eyes - why is that sometimes People (well, one person) can look so intensly (or intensively??) in your eyes? that you just cannot say the SMART things??!!! or be witty?? or anything??!! :)
we were just tlaking about the eye colors and why and which we like the most. I would say that I go for YOURS ( :) ).
no - or maybe yes, but, well, I prefer the non-blue eyes! :) I could not really choose one specific color, but, and its weird, all the guys I got involved with (wow, what a way to put it!) so far had green eyes of different variations. though there is no preference (I guess! :):))

after afterglow

Wow - I wish I could include the Kevin sign for this here .

Somethinh great is over. Today we had our directing projects performed.

did I like it?

yes. i did.

did i like them?

yes. many things.

did they like it?

who are they? :)