pain full moments

the strangest of all was that I felt nothing. almost nothing. except for the confusion and the usual excitement of the forbidden. and surprise. tho, it was just following that first tiny feeling of astonishment you caused by claiming that A. day one of a kind. there was complicity in your eyes. and there was complicity in your movements later. and then there was surrender in my voice when I talked to you after.

and there was pain in my heart and mind and abdomen when you told me those words. again. yeah, really again. the pain grows not because of what you were saying now. no. it exfoliates from the realization and processing of the words you said months ago. it hurts to accept one's own fallacies. it's painful to see i chose to be deaf.