Where am I?

It's been a while now since I last posted anything here.

I just didn't feel like writing anything.

Well, it's not true. Actually, I did want to write something, so that the thing I couls jsut refer to as "it" would have come out of me. But I jsut couldn't. I feel much better now. Yesterday, after hours of no sleeping and some interesting, cheering-up talk to a partner-in-crime (+insomnia) for hours and to two other recently becoming important people in my life, I decided not to feel bad.
Once I was told that it was cool that I can make decisions about my moods and that I never pretended to feel different so as appealt to the public's expectations. Well, it's like: only ask "how are you" if you're really interested.
Hope the plan's gonna work this time. I really donw want "downness" to determine my everydays. Not that it wouldn;t be someitmes more productive than happiness (was I ever really happy?), but it shouln't rule my life.

And this brings me to the masks again. Eszter says that she has gotten rid off all of the masks from her recent history. It is bullshit. first of all. and second of all - it is impossible. And I'm not tlaking about pretension or lying, but that there is always an occasion when you act according to to outside you factor, so as not to purposefully hurt someone or cause trouble to ourselves.

anyways, but what is more important is that my show went down!! yeah!!!

-- hmm, this "yeah"" is kinda awkward. i felt really empty after the show. wednesday was afwul. the umbilical cord was cut between me and my play - and it was all out there and it felt bad. no. not bad but weird. "welcome!" says Michael. thank you. it felt good :). and also Mitch's comment about the emptiness - instead of taking it as a something "evacuating," i should look at it as a sign of being able to let go. and also as a signal to ebing able to look forward and out to a next possible work.

and I was satisfied with the way it went down. not that i couldn't have changed some things, or that i wouldn't have been happier if some things go differently. i've learned something - my vision has to come through to its fullest without me giving in to somehting I think is better. whichis not, actually. i won't. i have promised myself this.

i have ............ whatdo I have, i got interrupted, oh, welll, i interrupted myself! :) so, i have got into somethign new.

oh, yeah, a new day has started. as ususal!!! (doesn't it soudn funny?? jsut say it out loud. or: is it again only me who's gonna understand what I meant by this??!! then it sucks. it's sometimes frustrating to entertain yourself. i mean when it's only you understanding your jokes.

each day, actually, is a new stage in my life. even when i don't meet new people, new impulses reach me and i saw myself repsoind to them in the same and in a different way at the same time.

though, maybe, i should just stop studying myself. :)

tomorrow and the weekend will be in and about Boston. i'm not yet sure whether it's a good idea. i mean, the evry earthly things of readings and papers and al that stuff. but on the other hand, why not??!!! :) I'm glad that the person i'm visiting is excioted. we' re gonna have a nice weekend. i should just rekax.